The Path of Freedom (part 4)
We were sitting at our kitchen table eating pizza when I shared with Maty that the cashier at the pizzeria I’d just returned from was wearing a low-cut shirt. Although I bounced my eyes and didn’t look, I was tempted to think more about it. I didn’t want to keep this from her, so I shared because it was bothering me. Then I started to explain that more than anything, I wanted our son to grow up in a home with no secrets. A place where we could share exactly what was bothering us - even our thoughts - and know that as a family we would share in a healthy, safe, and biblical way. I refused to live in secrets, lies, manipulation, and darkness. I’d done that for 25 years. Enough was enough. And while we discussed these ideas, I knew in the back of my mind that at some point, Maty would ask the question: Had anything happened?
About 20 minutes into our dinner, and after I’d been on my “no secrets” soapbox for a bit, Maty paused and asked that question. “Had anything happened?” “Yes”, I said. I told her that it had to do with my past. I could see the shock on her face, she was bracing for impact. I told her that I was prepared to confess everything, but since she was five months pregnant, I understood if she’d rather wait. She said no to waiting. Our dinner ended abruptly and we both walked to the living room. On the way, I texted my closest friend to let him know what was happening. He responded immediately to say he was praying and was available to speak with Maty too (he’s a pastor and psychologist). Although I’d prepared for about 45 days, reality started to come into focus…this was going to be difficult. Setting that aside in my mind, I thought about the path I’d been walking with Holy Spirit; the night He set me free, the day He spoke to my heart at Omaha Beach, and the illustration from Meet Joe Black…I was ready. I believed that with Him all was possible. I pulled out the ten-page letter I’d prepared, fell to my knees in front of Maty and prayed. I thanked Holy Spirit for walking with me and for helping me. I let Him know that I trusted Him for the strength to confess. And I also prayed for Maty because I knew I was about to rip her heart to pieces.
It took a long time. I started from when I was sexually abused as a kid and then confessed everything I could possibly remember. I didn’t use a broad brush; rather, I went into as much detail as I could recall. I wanted her to know exactly what she was dealing with. Yes, it was painful for both of us, but I needed her to know what I’d done even if it included excruciating details of betrayal. And as painful as this was, I can tell you that the presence of God was real. He was with us in a powerful way; He was Emmanuel. I finished by asking for Maty’s forgiveness and letting her know that my heart was completely open to her; she could ask anything, but she didn’t say much. I explained that our friend was standing by to help. Maty spoke with him for about an hour. Then she passed the phone to me and he shared that Maty could spend some time with them if she wanted. I was supportive of whatever Maty needed. As the night ended, I volunteered to leave the house or sleep in our guest room. Seemingly numb to everything around her, Maty said I didn’t need to leave or sleep in another room. Closing out the night, we went to bed. Maty with a shattered heart and me praying for a miracle.