I BELIEVED MY MARRIAGE WOULDN'T MAKE IT
That Saturday morning, sitting in the office of our psychologist, I hated life. I hated what Travis had done to me and I had come to believe that our marriage would never make it. I even hated that I had these awful feelings towards him. Regardless of how much he and I were trying, we would never see the light and we were doomed to end our marriage after 10 years. This was too difficult. He had gone too far. The emotional, relational, and psychological pain I was experiencing was unprecedented. I felt like a knife pierced through my heart would have been less painful.
Betrayal, hopelessness, loneliness, shock, despair, doubts about the future, and dozens of horrible pictures of things he had done behind my back were my new life guests and they were not ready to leave anytime soon. They were as real as day, as real as the air I breathed; and that air that was so much heavier and the day lacked my usual shining sun. Even though my guests were ever so present, they were all invited by the worst host couple: unbelief and lies.
Unbelief is defined by “a lack of faith” (Merriam-Webster). Yes, that Saturday morning, my faith would have been smaller than a grain of mustard; which is the minimum required to believe, right? You would not have found it that morning unless you had looked for it with one of these huge magnifier glass that older people use. And even had you found it, you would have seen that my faith was believing lies. I had the perfect combo screaming at me that my marriage would end; the enemy was too big; I was defeated.
But I couldn’t stand it. I raged against defeat because deep down, I know I am wired with victory because I am in Christ and He is in me. I just didn’t know how to get out of the pit.
That Saturday morning, our psychologist looked at both of us straight in eyes and asked us the following question: “what is the one lie that Israel believed about Goliath?”. I responded that Israel believed that he couldn’t be taken down. He responded: “that’s it, you guys are believing that you can’t take down this giant that has walked into your marriage!”.
I believed that this giant was way too big above my pay grade and my abilities to fight. And it was. On my own, I certainly couldn’t make it and wouldn’t make it. Just like David didn’t go to kill Goliath in his own strength or name; he went with God’s strength and in His name. I suddenly realized that this wasn’t my fight but Christ’s. Above all else, I recognized that I was trying to fight a battle that I had already been won at the cross. That’s right, Jesus also died for people committing adultery and their hurt spouses.
That morning, I decided to believe truth. The truth that Travis had repented and was walking in freedom. The truth that Jesus had forgiven him. The truth that I could do all things through Him who strengthens me. The truth that when God is for us who can be against us? The truth that if I believed in God; He would do the rest. The truth that God was on our side if we wanted Him to be. It was all in one decision. So, that morning, I decided.