I AM A DYING SEED
The weeks that followed my husband’s confession of sexual brokenness during our 10 years of marriage were brutal. There were days where I would cry my heart out and days where I had no more tears to cry. There were days of anger and days of numbness. The range of emotions and their scale was so large that they would scare me. I didn’t know I could feel these emotions; that I was humanly capable of thinking what would go through my mind.
I remember that one day, I felt overwhelmed with grief. I was grieving 10 years of a marriage I thought I had. Grieving the image of a husband I idealized and put on a pedestal while he was lying and betraying me. This was shattering my heart and my hope for the future. And that morning, I believe I crossed the line and questioned God. I questioned Him, His plan, and His goodness. Up until this point in my life, I think that I had always trusted Him and everything that had happened in my life because I always believed that He was good (God is good, all the time and all the time, He is good, right? I preached on that topic before!). That day was different though. I felt anger towards God. If He really loved me, why would He allow this to happen? I had done nothing wrong. I was an innocent bystander. I was a victim.
I sent a text to a friend expressing what I was feeling and felt like I was throwing up on him. A few moments later, I read his response: “Maty, you are like a seed and you must die. And this seed will bear much fruit”. WHAT? WAIT! Die more than I already was? How much more did he expect me to give out? At that point, I was more than pissed and it wasn’t just at God anymore. I had lost everything I believed in and now I needed to lose more?
Losing always hurts because we were created to win. We are deep down wired with victory. It’s in our blood, it flows in our veins, and our DNA refuses to believe anything below victory. God created us that way, to His image, the image of a God who always is, who always wins. So, when we are faced with loss, our deepest being, our entire being cringes at this reality. The reality that since the original sin, we live in a broken world with an enemy tracking us down like a prey ready to devour us.
Yes, I had lost the idea I had of my marriage and I felt like a victim. The pain was indescribable. But at some point, I had to decide, once again, to believe Truth over lies. Light over darkness. Victory over loss. I had to decide this was not going to define me. I was not a victim. I was a daughter of the King and my Father in Heaven loved me dearly. This hadn’t been His plan but He wanted to redeem what the enemy had meant for evil and turn it into something life giving. And it was MY choice to let Him use me. It was MY choice to let Him redeem me and my marriage. But I had to die to myself, my past, my pride, my plan, and my future. This dying was not going to be a feeling but a daily decision.
Had I let the loss and the lies simmer and define my life and my marriage; I would have probably lost the battle altogether. But at some point, I DECIDED to let that loss fall into the ground, die, and become a beautiful tree bearing many fruits for the future. I DECIDED to let my loss be used as a victory and a testimony.
Jesus had to die and be buried for 3 days before He rose again. Death had to come before life. Loss preceded victory. Destruction has always the potential to bring life if we chose it. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy but Jesus came that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). It is not the other way around. We can’t have a testimony without a test. We can’t win a battle without a war. We can’t be victorious before being attacked. We can’t see His goodness before we acknowledge our need for it.
I encourage you to let your loss and everything that has dragged you down and let it be buried into the ground. It will produce a beautiful tree in the future and many will see it and be saved. It will produce a strong tree that has been tested by the storm even to the point of losing some of its branches, but has remained anchored into the earth and rooted in the only source of and to Victory, rooted in Jesus.